When I was about 8/9, I started going to church regularly and felt close to God. I decided that I wanted to be rebaptized, and my church at the time happily supported my decision and even planned a little celebration for after.
The night before I was going to be baptized, I woke up with a gasp. I have never been able to describe this experience accurately. I could not see anything, but I was filled with the strongest feeling of love, acceptance, peace, and happiness. It indescribable, and I would give anything to feel it again.
I knew instantly without words, that it was God, and that he Was communicating that he was happy my decision to be baptized again. I just knew. I fell asleep immediately afterward, feeling completely happy, safe, and loved. My whole life, I have hoped for and searched for that level of feeling, and have yet to come across anything like it.
As an adult, I struggle with feeling numb. And have even felt angry at times throughout my life, for this experience. After having experienced that moment of pure bliss, nothing has ever felt close. Life can feel inadequate when it can’t compare.
I do recognize I am blessed for this experience, as not everyone has felt God in this way. I hope I can fight these feelings of inadequacy and numbness, and do something good with my life.